我的2022年第一场电影就已吃了一坨大便的形式落下了帷幕，完全不知道这个电影跟反贪和廉政有啥联系，主角配角没有任何一点出彩的地方，编剧脑袋完全进水，故事情节明显是反恐，女主角跳出来也不知道是干啥的，拉菲哥演的是一个高智商犯罪份子最后莫名其妙的死掉了所有的人脑袋上都写着两个字弱智，恳请大家千万千万不要去看这部电影他就是垃圾！

曾经的我 幸福满足I was once happy, content,徜徉在只属于我的羊水之中sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool.结果有一天 由于不可抗拒的因素Then one day, for reasons beyond my control,我母亲莱丝丽的子宫I was repeatedly crushed...一次又一次对我残忍地施加压力over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie.我顽强地抵抗了 却终敌不过大自然I put up a good fight, but I lost,这是我人生第一次败仗 之后更是节节败退

我厌弃所有人 除了你I hate everyone else in the world but you.

茱尔丝 你自残吗And, Jules, do you self-injure?事实上 茱尔丝讨厌自己The truth was, Jules hated herself.她讨厌自己大脑的运作方式She hated how her brain worked...她的大脑会因一个想法而卡住the way it would get stuck on a thought,从而噎到自己like choking.专注于当下All right. Keep present.大脑会陷入无尽的循环And it would just play on an infinite loop,直到她停止思考until she couldn't think无法呼吸 濒临死亡or breathe or stand to be alive.克服并非易事 茱尔丝This is hard, Jules.你一定可以挺过去You're going to get through it, okay?但她不仅讨厌自己的大脑She didn't just hate her brain, though.她还讨厌自己的身体 但不是每个部位都讨厌She hated her body, not every part,只讨厌肩膀 手臂just her shoulders, and her arms,双手and her hands.还有胸部 腹部 大腿Also her chest, her stomach, her thighs.她最讨厌膝盖了Her knees were the worst.还很讨厌脚踝和肥大的双脚Plus her ankles, and her big, fucking, stupid feet.她讨厌自己的人生 并非因为过得不好She hated her life, not because it was bad,而是因为 痛恨自己的大脑和身体之人but because when you hate your brain and your body,很难享受人生

每当她被虐得很惨时...And whenever anything got too uncomfortable...茱尔丝就假装自己灵魂出窍Jules would just imagine that she wasn't really herself,她其实在旁观别人的生活and this wasn't really her life.她只是虚构作品中的一个虚构人物She was just a character in a book or a movie or a show.一切都是假象 即便是真 又能如何呢That none of it was real, and if it was, how did it matter?这具身体本就不属于她It's not like her body ever really belonged to her in the first place.

我没有特别喜欢的事情There's nothing I'm really passionate about.没有非要做或说的事You know, like, I'm not dying to say or do anything, really.每次我向大家坦露心迹And every time I admit that to people,他们都会觉得这样很可悲 但是...they're like, "Oh, my gosh, that's so sad." But...我觉得多数人都是如此I think that's the case for most people.我妈是如此You know? Like, when I look at my mom or...我同学也是如此like, the kids at my school--从他们社交媒体上的动态就能看出来like, their profiles or their posts and their Tumblr rants...大家也都过得稀里糊涂 迷茫无助you realize they're all just fucked up, too... and lost.只是他们都得掩饰真相...They just have a reason to mask it...为了不让家人担忧whether it be, like, their, their families拴住男友 博取关注or their boyfriends or their hashtag activism.他们都只是借助表面的光鲜亮丽And they're just reaching for something-粉饰人生的虚无 -小茹...- to make it all seem meaningfu

麦迪从小就很了解自己Maddy knew who she was from a very early age.从麦迪记事以来 她就是万人迷For as long as Maddy could remember, everybody loved her.

她不知自己为何受欢迎She never knew exactly what it was.她只知道自己很特殊She just knew that she had something special,气质迷幻朦胧something intangible,魅力无人能及something immeasurable.

她因此充满自信And it gave her confidence

她也是因此热爱选美That's why she loved pageantry,因为冠军不必容貌倾城 高挑精干because you didn't have to be the prettiest or the tallest也不必金发碧眼 肤如凝脂or the blondest or the whitest.自信闪耀就够了

You just had to have fucking confidence.嘉年华当晚 和卢克·卡斯滕打炮时So the night of the carnival, while fucking Luke Kasten,凯特顿悟了Kat had an epiphany.她居然上了卢克·卡斯滕She was fucking Luke Kasten,那他妈可是卢克·卡斯滕啊Luke motherfucking Kasten.没上过东高的人可能不知道...And for those of you who didn't go to East Highland...卢克·卡斯滕可是男神Luke Kasten was a fucking god.他毕业多年 可学校里依然有他的传说I mean, he graduated years ago and people still talk about him.他有我见过最大的鸡鸡He has the biggest dick I've ever seen,他上我时 我一直盯着他看and I was looking at him while he was fucking me.他射精时I could see his face scrunching up我看到他的脸皱成一团when he was coming all over my stomach,我突然就顿悟了and I had this, like, realization, you know, like, this epiphany.无论这个人有多酷帅性感That no matter how cool, or, or sexy不论他在你眼中有多聪明or, or smart you think a guy is,其实都卑微渺小得可悲可怜they're actually just fucking pathetic.

我一直试图减弱自己的存在感my whole life, all I've tried to do is to take up less space.

企图避开那帮男人Try to hide from guys, like, who might, like,因为我经过时 他们会对朋友悄悄吐槽whisper to their friend under their breath as I walked by.我这一生I've spent my whole life都在担心大家会发现我是个胖妞afraid people were gonna find out that I was fat.但说实话 根本没人在意But honestly, who gives a shit?

无所畏惧的胖女孩所向披靡There's nothing more powerful than a fat girl who doesn't give a fuck.

高中的情谊转瞬即逝 并非天长地久Nothing in high school lasts forever.你该见见她You should meet her.

Are you kidding me?你被罚下了You're out of the game.冲动就会输球You get emotional, you lose.动怒就会输球You get angry, you lose.-爸 他说我是... -无关紧要- Dad, he called me-- - I don't give a good goddamn.你觉得他为什么偏偏说你呢Why do you think he's talking to you in the first place?-因为他... -因为他想激怒你- Because he-- - Because he's trying to get a rise out of you.扰乱你的思绪 让你分心Trying to make you upset, lose focus.他在挑战你的底线 这就是生存法则That's his game. That's the world's game.他们不断逼你They want to push on you,逗弄你 考验你的极限Poke on you, see exactly how much you can take.极限会决定你能走多远And how much you can take is what will ultimately define you.因为应对之道可以衡量人的品性Because the measure of a man is in how he reacts.我该如何应对How am I supposed to react?将自己的所有情绪By taking everything you feel,挫败感 愤怒 狂暴all your frustrations, your anger, your rage,统统收起you bottle it up,守住本心you take your position,当情绪累积至顶峰and when that snap comes,将其化作喷薄而出的动力you let it explode.

她几乎每次都会心软答应And she almost always said yes.尽管她很不情愿 也会照做Even though it didn't always make her feel good.她知道 多数男生跟她分手后And she knew that most guys, after she broke up with them,都会散播她的性爱视频和裸照

would always share those photos or videos.她刚发现时 恐慌心悸The first time she found out, she had a panic attack,她甚至想吞扑热息痛自杀and wanted to swallow a whole bottle of Tylenol.但最终打消了自杀的念头But she didn't.因为大家顶多言语上对她讽刺挖苦Because, I mean, what's the worst thing anybody could say to her?无非就是嘲笑她给渣男口交而已That she gave a blowjob to a guy who didn't deserve it?而且 她觉得等到毕业求职那会儿And she figured by the time she was out of college and looking for a job,绝大多数人都有过裸照的黑历史了99 percent of the population would have leaked nudes, anyway.

一想到要站起来The thought of having to stand up,移动35英尺 每走一步要调动172块肌肉exert 172 muscles each step for 35 feet,就为了坐在冰凉的陶瓷坐便器上just so I can sit on cold porcelain日复一日地排出体内毒素and piss out toxins over and over again for the rest of my life我就觉得人生是一个漫长且磨人的玩笑makes the whole concept of living feel like one long, sadistic joke.但抑郁最磨人的一点是But the absolute worst part of depression你明知自己抑郁了is that even though you know you're depressed,却依然无可救药地越陷越深you're unable to stop yourself from getting worse

抑郁的另一症状就是The other thing about depression is让人丧失时间概念it kind of collapses time.突然之间 全部记忆混杂交织Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together无穷无尽 令人窒息to create one endless and suffocating loop.抑郁后 人会试图回想愉悦的瞬间So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy.但大脑会一点点蚕食欣快的回忆But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy.最终And eventually,脑中仅剩人生中沉闷压抑的记忆all you can think about is how life has always been this way.人就会日渐消沉And will only continue to be this way.

曾经有个心理医生说 我压抑的状态会起起落落I had a therapist once who said that these states will wax and wane.我妈因此松了一口气Which gave my mother relief,因为就算我犯病了because it meant that in the bad times,总也会好起来there would be good times.但她也因此焦灼难安But it also gave her anxiety因为就算我一时没事because it meant that in the good times,总也有抑郁发作的一天there would be bad times.我一直很不解It always confused me,因为我不懂"起落"的意思because I didn't really know what it meant.但听起来比我自己的形容更让人安心But it did sound a lot calmer than the way I would describe it.我得继续服药There you go. How you feel? Okay?我知道你现在很低落 宝贝I know you're feeling low right now, baby.但你没有故态复萌 说明你的症状有所缓解But the fact that you didn't turn back means you're gettin' better.没错It does.一定是这样It does.当然了 我之后才领悟到Granted, I didn't realize until later"起起落落"的真正含义what waxing and waning implied.抑郁无法根除 会反复发作That these feelings were fixed and constant我的余生都将与抑郁作伴and would never end for the rest of my life.

我住院观察了三天And kept me there for three days.其实住院可好了It was actually really nice.我超喜欢医院I love hospitals.要是余生都能在医院度过 我绝对没意见If I could spend the rest of my life in a hospital, I would.因为住院时Because when you're in a hospital,可以做个米虫you have zero responsibilities.医护人员会保证你吃饱睡好 身体棒棒They make sure you eat, sleep, stay hydrated,如遇不测 医生总能及时出现and if anything bad happens, there's always a doctor nearby.谢谢Thank you.发生大规模枪击案时 待在医院最明智了It's also the best place to be in the event of a mass shooting,只要外科医生没死光光就行unless the gunman kills all the surgeons.关键是 我在医院无忧无虑The point is, I had zero anxiety.

我昨晚写信时and as I sat down last night to write it,忍不住回想你出生那天的场景I couldn't stop thinking about the day you were born.我第一次将你抱入臂弯Holding you in my arms for the first time,怜爱地看着你looking down at you,看着你可爱动人的小脸your sweet, beautiful face...我这辈子从未如此充满爱意 欢欣愉悦I had never felt so much love and joy in my entire life.于是我想到...And I thought that...若是那一刻 有人能提醒我该多好what if in that moment I heard a voice,通晓万物的人生旁白对我低语some omniscient narrator who said,"接下来将会如此""Here's what's going to happen."你的女儿将会风趣幽默 聪明伶俐 开朗大方""Your daughter is gonna be funny, and smart, and outgoing,"她的灵气从小便会显现"You'll see it instantly, from a young age.""她将会魅力四射 广交朋友""She'll be charismatic and make friends easily.""她将会温柔善良 心思细腻""She'll be kind and sensitive."细腻到敏感""Maybe too sensitive."她不会是个乖乖女""She won't be an easy child."她会很叛逆"She'll struggle.""因此 你将很难看懂她""And in turn, you'll struggle to understand her.""你将跟不上她的思维""To understand what's going on inside of her head."无法理解那些难以摆脱的梦魇""The night terrors that can't be interrupted."很多时候 晚饭后""The times after dinner where"她会坐在餐桌旁""She'll just sit at the kitchen table"一遍遍数着天花板砖的数量and count the tiles over and over,"数到自己上气不接下气""Until she hyperventilates."你会用尽全力拥她入怀 安慰她""To fight to hold her in your arms, to tell her it's okay.""你们将难以平静 她会摔打东西 大吼大叫""To calm down. The kicking. The screaming."她会害怕受伤""The anxiety of being harmed."她会日夜煎熬""The transitions from day to night,"从家中到学校 每顿饭皆是如此""From home to school, from meal to meal."她会担心失去父母和妹妹"Of losing her mother or father or little sister.""她害怕会孤苦伶仃"- "Of being alone."我很喜欢她I really like her."她会恐慌发作 情绪波动 迷惑不解 精神分裂""The panic attacks, mood swings, confusion, disorganization"她会愤怒狂躁""And all that rage."不仅生你的气 也会恼恨自己""Not just at you, but at herself."最煎熬的是...""And the tough part i"她无法自救 而你也将束手无策""you'll feel as helpless to help her as she does herself.""你将犯下大大小小的错误""You'll make mistakes. Small ones and big ones."你会慌忙求助 病急乱投医""You'll look for help from people who aren't helpful."你求助之人或许根本不了解情况""Or who don't actually understand what's happening.""内疚感将因此伴你终生""And the guilt will never leave you.""但若你保持镇定 温柔耐心""But if you remain calm and patient,"若你能仔细聆听""If you listen closely,"你便能渐渐理解她""理解她为何重复地数了一遍又一遍""The counting, the repetition,"理解她对于对称的执着""the need for symmetry."若你睡前亲吻了她的左脸""That if you kiss her left cheek before bed,"一定也要亲吻她的右脸""You have to kiss her right cheek."还有额头 下巴""And her forehead. Then her chin."因为这样才平衡稳定""That it's about balance, stability."这样她才能疏导情绪 捋顺思绪""The need to organize her feelings and thoughts, so..."这样她才能平静下来"she can breathe easier.""你将得到片刻的喘息""And there will be moments of relief,"你们俩都能松一口气""In her and in you."这些时刻平静安宁 顺心满足""Moments that feel so normal, and calm, and rewarding that..."你会希望平淡的幸福能够天长地久""You'll find yourself praying they last forever."可她还小""Even though she's only a child,"糟心事还在后面呢"And all the hard parts have yet to even come."16岁时""And at the age of 16,"她会吸毒过量""She'll overdose,"昏迷四天""Spend four days in a coma,"生死未卜""And you won't know if she'll live or die."但等她醒来""But when she wakes up,"她会有机会戒毒""She'll be given the opportunity to get clean,"改过自新""To become a different person,"完善自己""A better person."但有一点你无能为力""Here's the toughest part."不论你怎么说 怎么做 怎么想""No matter what you say, or do, or wish,"决定权都在她手中""The decision will be all hers."你只能心怀希望""And all you can do is hope"希望她能给自己一个重新来过的机会"

凯特Kat.万一现在就是我们人生的高光时刻呢What if these are, like, the big moments in life?我妈总说Like, my mom always talks about高中是她人生的里程碑式高光时刻how high school was like this big, monumental part of her life.可她都半老徐娘了 居然还对高中念念不忘But I cannot imagine being 40 and looking back at this, like, "Wow."因为多数人在高中达到了人生巅峰Yeah, but that's because most people peak in high school.我肯定还没达到巅峰...I definitely haven't peaked, so...我感觉自己还没长大呢I feel like I'm not even a person yet.我也就攀登到巅峰的四分之一吧Yeah, I'm definitely at, like, 25 percent peakness.我好像达到巅峰了I feel like I'm at a hundred.但我还能升得更高But I can definitely get to 150.讲真 我都没想到自己能撑到现在Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far.什么意思What do you mean?我总是提心吊胆 惶惶不安I don't know. I just always had, like, this overwhelming anxiety我总觉得一定会出事that something bad would happen.说实话 去年夏天In all fairness, last summer,我有三周一直以为你死了there were, like, three weeks where I thought you were dead.

在看《这一年》之前，我完全想不到农村还有这么艰苦贫困的地方，我想对于大多数城里生活的80、90年代，甚至是00年代的人来说，那样的贫困、艰苦，我们是体会不到的。两个字概况我看完电影的感受，贫穷。贾换荣为了给儿子打一个电话，要走好久的山路，到山顶最高处才能有信号，反观我们，谁能离开你的手机10分钟？王秋生和他老婆进城后逛超市，看到土豆，辣椒，茴子白等蔬菜，说这些在农村都不要钱，现在进城了，什么都要钱。贾换荣抓到房子后，只点了两个菜喝酒，说这还是高兴多点一个菜，放在平常，也就一个菜足以。你们谁能保证每次都能光盘行动，不浪费粮食。

看完《这一年》，使我感悟良多。回到我们的生活，我们要珍惜这来之不易的生活。

花了几晚上的时间，把36集的《守护神之保险调查》看完了，看得很窝心。

黄宗泽在剧中饰演的百天明恰似这个时代的某些好男人，看上去坏坏的痞痞的还桃花运不断，其实是一个很专情又很能付出的好男友。

百天明和异地恋的女朋友Kay在香港某个演绎班相识，相恋。

做演员，应当是两个人共同的梦想，为了梦想，Kay远走美国，去学习、去深造、去寻找机会，而百天明则留在香港，做了一名保险调查员， 供Kay读书，供房贷，在熟悉的香港等待Kay的归来。

最终，百天明等回了Kay，Kay却寻机找茬，将两人之间的过错推给百天明，实际上，根本就是Kay脚踏两条船，给百天明戴了一顶大大的原谅帽，闪闪发光的那种。

【详细】

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之前的笔记骂过第一季狗血三角恋，第二季好了很多，至少丰富了苏和rose的人物性格，逃不开那四个字：原生家庭。

苏太可怜了，温柔亲切是她的保护色，内心千疮百孔，破败不堪，亲妈没人性后爸是禽兽，她连生命中唯一一个真心喜欢的男人都是闺蜜扔掉后捡来的，她会走到今天的地步是因为她太了解弱者被欺侮、输了就什么都不是的感觉，她那么好胜也没有对rose的男人出手是因为真心在乎rose的感受，谁对她好她记得，她有心的。

有人要问那她为什么还要栽赃rose贩du，为什么还要把股份转让给所有人，大家难道没有因爱生恨的经历吗？就是因为爱之深恨之切，而且她一开始并没有想害人是第一时间割腕自杀的，这些做法都符合苏极端的性格。

我们逃不开一个问题：苏是谁杀的？

我相信苏是自杀的，只是在死之前给每个人都制造了杀人动机，除了两个人：吴子维和中村先生。

这两个人有什么共同点呢？都是苏生命中无条件爱她的两个人，子维爱她是因为当她亲人，子维品性就很纯正对人真诚，中村爱她更是不求回报甚至知道自己不是苏所爱之人仍然愿意守护苏的幸福。

先说大家最不能理解的，苏为什么自杀前要给rose制造最大的杀人动机，因为苏是她摆脱原生家庭之后最后的希望和避风港了，这个避风港因为一个男人抛弃了她，她后期对rose真的恨大于爱了，她和江瀚在一起也像偷情一样小心翼翼，为什么？明明江瀚已经和rose分手了，她又不是第三者插足，但她还是顾及rose的感受，当初rose和江瀚在一起的时候苏就已经喜欢江瀚了（江瀚也说过早知苏喜欢他），跟自己闺蜜去抢男人她不是没机会但她没有这么做啊，她真心希望rose幸福的。后来rose知道苏和江瀚在一起是怎样？祝福他们了吗？没有，她故意喝酒时和江瀚亲昵去气苏，她见不得他俩在一起觉得自己被背叛了，可是江瀚明明是先和rose分手才去勾引苏的，要渣也是他最渣，不是苏。

Rose是真心见得苏幸福的人吗？她爱上自己的前男友就不行了？

在苏看来，rose对她的好更像一种优越感和强者的施舍，你们看看花子吧？像不像以前的苏？无助到在rose家寄人篱下，rose对她也很好，这是她性格如此，并不是因为苏是特别的。rose在保护店里人家里人时心里会有满足感，也收到了这些人的善意和维护，这些能完全说是不求回报吗？苏在所有人中对rose怀有最大的善意和爱的（如果她心里还有的话），所以这是她最爱也最失望的人，所以她才对rose做得这么彻底。不然一般的恨也无法激怒rose这种人对她下手吧？

江瀚太渣，苏的真心喂了狗，江瀚还说要选也选罗雨侬，可以说激化了苏和rose的关系，苏故意把他的情书寄的到处都是就是想激怒他杀自己。

何予恩，苏真的不爱他吗？她曾经对他有期待的，毕竟他也可以嫁给一个自己不爱的中村，但是她用孩子考验他的时候他退缩了，在苏看来不过又是一个言大于行的渣男而已，所以他用其实没有孩子这个点来刺激他杀自己，何予恩的愧疚和爱当然比江瀚多，江瀚都下不去手，他更下不去手的。

她对阿季的态度有时和rose对她的态度一样，强者对弱者，赢家对输家的俯视。所以她毫不犹豫的把钻戒给了阿季，因为她知道阿季贪财，更贪恋中村先生的爱，这些她都得不到，唯有自己施舍给她，不是好心，施舍而已，自己死了她也脱不了干系。

至于百合，苏早就知道百合藏du的事，只是后来成为了她可以利用陷害rose的一个工具。

至于花子，她绝对不是主观动机杀苏的第一人，她对苏并没有什么置她于死地的恶性动机，如果是她杀了苏，只可能是误杀，而追她的警察阿达会撞死江瀚，也是因为江瀚快要找到真凶了，他先下手为强而已，毕竟他对花子强暴一事有愧疚，是不是苏对花子说了什么激起了花子或者阿达的杀心都有可能，两人同伙犯罪也符合抛尸山野的设定。

苏是真的支离破碎的一个人，非常脆弱，只靠一点点爱把自己缝合得看起来像个完整的人，当那一点点爱也消失了之后，彻底破碎的她誓要割坏每一个人，她想在每个人心里划一刀何尝不是一种自我存在的证明呢？

虽然有些剧情不明不白的，如陈家洛本去见乾隆，但镜头一转又在干别的事情，见乾隆这事儿也不知见了没见，所有人当做什么都没发生一样;还有些情节插入太突兀，突然就发生了，虽说篇幅有限，并且也和之后情节有联系，但在我看来，有些情节就只是想要符合剧本内容，走了走过场一样，演员在四处乱跑(金庸剧本宏大，各个情节，书中缩减一下没什么问题，但剧中这样，就有我所说的问题了，无可避免，第二点有点鸡蛋里挑骨头。)这些内容让我看得有点糊涂。但依旧不影响我觉得它是部好剧。金庸的书没什么精力看，我就看看电视剧，窥探一下金庸先生的技艺吧。这剧的情节，就像我一直称赞金庸先生的一样，“金庸先生应该去写推理小说，各个伏笔埋得很好，各个人物、情节均合理”。……以上为1月5日所写。其实要是有很多不同场地的镜头，可以直接切一下镜头就行，不用拍在路上的镜头，直接到了就得了。看《侠客行》(应该是02版，吴健主演)的时候导演用了很多碎的镜头，一边在说这边的事，这边的事要等一会儿再发展，就切到那边，那边刚拍完，就切回来，继续演这边的剧情。手法很娴熟。(我这儿说的和上面不是一回事——一班人和两班人当然不一样了——但意思大概就是这样:多余的情节就剪掉。)

我在追小小姐们的时候，这部剧在更。我看完了小小姐们，它还在更。所以我点开了它。果然，只看了3集就莫名的喜欢男主女二。果然，我不是独一个，很多人和我一样站男主女二。不要只说女二坏，仔细想想，男主女二拿的是同一个剧本。特别是交换对象，都有病，只不过女二的交换对象因病去世，男主的交换对象没有死罢了。女二的原生家庭糟糕，她没有退路。男主家人品性没有问题，所以男主会在交换与否中进行摇摆。

从最初美好的校园开始 到最后黑白落寞的收场 从“折纸时代”“青木时代”到“刺金时代”再到“灵魂的尽头”

在细节处 令人印象最深刻的是顾里将走向生命尽头时 对姐妹们的一长段独白 这时 她不再是那个高傲的女王 而是一个感性的姑娘 这段长达数分钟的独白 丝毫没有让观众看到坐不住 句句发于肺腑心声 让不少观众随之泪下

没有人能永远青春 但永远有人正青春着 时代姐妹花最后付之一炬 也恰把她们永远定格在最美好的年华 可以说“灵魂的尽头”为《小时代》画上了一个完美的句号

The memories always come out,

but you can never go back.

The music is sensational,

and the heart becomes warm.

Whatever you have been doing,

you can never forget the things what you insist and you love.