好，终于放心了，这位探长也好好的，活着回伦敦了。

好剧啊，最喜欢这种靠推理破案，而不是靠摄像头。到现在已经换三个探长了和好几个探员了。每个探长各有特色，性格不同，探案风格格也略不同。

希望一直拍下去，情节精致，风景宜人。天堂岛虽小，活动挺多啊，各种展，各种比赛，各种案子。

除了天堂岛，还有布朗神父，相棒，三个轮流看看，没有剧荒烦恼。

曾经的我 幸福满足I was once happy, content,徜徉在只属于我的羊水之中sloshing around in my own private, primordial pool.结果有一天 由于不可抗拒的因素Then one day, for reasons beyond my control,我母亲莱丝丽的子宫I was repeatedly crushed...一次又一次对我残忍地施加压力over and over by the cruel cervix of my mother, Leslie.我顽强地抵抗了 却终敌不过大自然I put up a good fight, but I lost,这是我人生第一次败仗 之后更是节节败退

我厌弃所有人 除了你I hate everyone else in the world but you.

茱尔丝 你自残吗And, Jules, do you self-injure?事实上 茱尔丝讨厌自己The truth was, Jules hated herself.她讨厌自己大脑的运作方式She hated how her brain worked...她的大脑会因一个想法而卡住the way it would get stuck on a thought,从而噎到自己like choking.专注于当下All right. Keep present.大脑会陷入无尽的循环And it would just play on an infinite loop,直到她停止思考until she couldn't think无法呼吸 濒临死亡or breathe or stand to be alive.克服并非易事 茱尔丝This is hard, Jules.你一定可以挺过去You're going to get through it, okay?但她不仅讨厌自己的大脑She didn't just hate her brain, though.她还讨厌自己的身体 但不是每个部位都讨厌She hated her body, not every part,只讨厌肩膀 手臂just her shoulders, and her arms,双手and her hands.还有胸部 腹部 大腿Also her chest, her stomach, her thighs.她最讨厌膝盖了Her knees were the worst.还很讨厌脚踝和肥大的双脚Plus her ankles, and her big, fucking, stupid feet.她讨厌自己的人生 并非因为过得不好She hated her life, not because it was bad,而是因为 痛恨自己的大脑和身体之人but because when you hate your brain and your body,很难享受人生

每当她被虐得很惨时...And whenever anything got too uncomfortable...茱尔丝就假装自己灵魂出窍Jules would just imagine that she wasn't really herself,她其实在旁观别人的生活and this wasn't really her life.她只是虚构作品中的一个虚构人物She was just a character in a book or a movie or a show.一切都是假象 即便是真 又能如何呢That none of it was real, and if it was, how did it matter?这具身体本就不属于她It's not like her body ever really belonged to her in the first place.

我没有特别喜欢的事情There's nothing I'm really passionate about.没有非要做或说的事You know, like, I'm not dying to say or do anything, really.每次我向大家坦露心迹And every time I admit that to people,他们都会觉得这样很可悲 但是...they're like, "Oh, my gosh, that's so sad." But...我觉得多数人都是如此I think that's the case for most people.我妈是如此You know? Like, when I look at my mom or...我同学也是如此like, the kids at my school--从他们社交媒体上的动态就能看出来like, their profiles or their posts and their Tumblr rants...大家也都过得稀里糊涂 迷茫无助you realize they're all just fucked up, too... and lost.只是他们都得掩饰真相...They just have a reason to mask it...为了不让家人担忧whether it be, like, their, their families拴住男友 博取关注or their boyfriends or their hashtag activism.他们都只是借助表面的光鲜亮丽And they're just reaching for something-粉饰人生的虚无 -小茹...- to make it all seem meaningfu

麦迪从小就很了解自己Maddy knew who she was from a very early age.从麦迪记事以来 她就是万人迷For as long as Maddy could remember, everybody loved her.

她不知自己为何受欢迎She never knew exactly what it was.她只知道自己很特殊She just knew that she had something special,气质迷幻朦胧something intangible,魅力无人能及something immeasurable.

她因此充满自信And it gave her confidence

她也是因此热爱选美That's why she loved pageantry,因为冠军不必容貌倾城 高挑精干because you didn't have to be the prettiest or the tallest也不必金发碧眼 肤如凝脂or the blondest or the whitest.自信闪耀就够了

You just had to have fucking confidence.嘉年华当晚 和卢克·卡斯滕打炮时So the night of the carnival, while fucking Luke Kasten,凯特顿悟了Kat had an epiphany.她居然上了卢克·卡斯滕She was fucking Luke Kasten,那他妈可是卢克·卡斯滕啊Luke motherfucking Kasten.没上过东高的人可能不知道...And for those of you who didn't go to East Highland...卢克·卡斯滕可是男神Luke Kasten was a fucking god.他毕业多年 可学校里依然有他的传说I mean, he graduated years ago and people still talk about him.他有我见过最大的鸡鸡He has the biggest dick I've ever seen,他上我时 我一直盯着他看and I was looking at him while he was fucking me.他射精时I could see his face scrunching up我看到他的脸皱成一团when he was coming all over my stomach,我突然就顿悟了and I had this, like, realization, you know, like, this epiphany.无论这个人有多酷帅性感That no matter how cool, or, or sexy不论他在你眼中有多聪明or, or smart you think a guy is,其实都卑微渺小得可悲可怜they're actually just fucking pathetic.

我一直试图减弱自己的存在感my whole life, all I've tried to do is to take up less space.

企图避开那帮男人Try to hide from guys, like, who might, like,因为我经过时 他们会对朋友悄悄吐槽whisper to their friend under their breath as I walked by.我这一生I've spent my whole life都在担心大家会发现我是个胖妞afraid people were gonna find out that I was fat.但说实话 根本没人在意But honestly, who gives a shit?

无所畏惧的胖女孩所向披靡There's nothing more powerful than a fat girl who doesn't give a fuck.

高中的情谊转瞬即逝 并非天长地久Nothing in high school lasts forever.你该见见她You should meet her.

Are you kidding me?你被罚下了You're out of the game.冲动就会输球You get emotional, you lose.动怒就会输球You get angry, you lose.-爸 他说我是... -无关紧要- Dad, he called me-- - I don't give a good goddamn.你觉得他为什么偏偏说你呢Why do you think he's talking to you in the first place?-因为他... -因为他想激怒你- Because he-- - Because he's trying to get a rise out of you.扰乱你的思绪 让你分心Trying to make you upset, lose focus.他在挑战你的底线 这就是生存法则That's his game. That's the world's game.他们不断逼你They want to push on you,逗弄你 考验你的极限Poke on you, see exactly how much you can take.极限会决定你能走多远And how much you can take is what will ultimately define you.因为应对之道可以衡量人的品性Because the measure of a man is in how he reacts.我该如何应对How am I supposed to react?将自己的所有情绪By taking everything you feel,挫败感 愤怒 狂暴all your frustrations, your anger, your rage,统统收起you bottle it up,守住本心you take your position,当情绪累积至顶峰and when that snap comes,将其化作喷薄而出的动力you let it explode.

她几乎每次都会心软答应And she almost always said yes.尽管她很不情愿 也会照做Even though it didn't always make her feel good.她知道 多数男生跟她分手后And she knew that most guys, after she broke up with them,都会散播她的性爱视频和裸照

would always share those photos or videos.她刚发现时 恐慌心悸The first time she found out, she had a panic attack,她甚至想吞扑热息痛自杀and wanted to swallow a whole bottle of Tylenol.但最终打消了自杀的念头But she didn't.因为大家顶多言语上对她讽刺挖苦Because, I mean, what's the worst thing anybody could say to her?无非就是嘲笑她给渣男口交而已That she gave a blowjob to a guy who didn't deserve it?而且 她觉得等到毕业求职那会儿And she figured by the time she was out of college and looking for a job,绝大多数人都有过裸照的黑历史了99 percent of the population would have leaked nudes, anyway.

一想到要站起来The thought of having to stand up,移动35英尺 每走一步要调动172块肌肉exert 172 muscles each step for 35 feet,就为了坐在冰凉的陶瓷坐便器上just so I can sit on cold porcelain日复一日地排出体内毒素and piss out toxins over and over again for the rest of my life我就觉得人生是一个漫长且磨人的玩笑makes the whole concept of living feel like one long, sadistic joke.但抑郁最磨人的一点是But the absolute worst part of depression你明知自己抑郁了is that even though you know you're depressed,却依然无可救药地越陷越深you're unable to stop yourself from getting worse

抑郁的另一症状就是The other thing about depression is让人丧失时间概念it kind of collapses time.突然之间 全部记忆混杂交织Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together无穷无尽 令人窒息to create one endless and suffocating loop.抑郁后 人会试图回想愉悦的瞬间So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy.但大脑会一点点蚕食欣快的回忆But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy.最终And eventually,脑中仅剩人生中沉闷压抑的记忆all you can think about is how life has always been this way.人就会日渐消沉And will only continue to be this way.

曾经有个心理医生说 我压抑的状态会起起落落I had a therapist once who said that these states will wax and wane.我妈因此松了一口气Which gave my mother relief,因为就算我犯病了because it meant that in the bad times,总也会好起来there would be good times.但她也因此焦灼难安But it also gave her anxiety因为就算我一时没事because it meant that in the good times,总也有抑郁发作的一天there would be bad times.我一直很不解It always confused me,因为我不懂"起落"的意思because I didn't really know what it meant.但听起来比我自己的形容更让人安心But it did sound a lot calmer than the way I would describe it.我得继续服药There you go. How you feel? Okay?我知道你现在很低落 宝贝I know you're feeling low right now, baby.但你没有故态复萌 说明你的症状有所缓解But the fact that you didn't turn back means you're gettin' better.没错It does.一定是这样It does.当然了 我之后才领悟到Granted, I didn't realize until later"起起落落"的真正含义what waxing and waning implied.抑郁无法根除 会反复发作That these feelings were fixed and constant我的余生都将与抑郁作伴and would never end for the rest of my life.

我住院观察了三天And kept me there for three days.其实住院可好了It was actually really nice.我超喜欢医院I love hospitals.要是余生都能在医院度过 我绝对没意见If I could spend the rest of my life in a hospital, I would.因为住院时Because when you're in a hospital,可以做个米虫you have zero responsibilities.医护人员会保证你吃饱睡好 身体棒棒They make sure you eat, sleep, stay hydrated,如遇不测 医生总能及时出现and if anything bad happens, there's always a doctor nearby.谢谢Thank you.发生大规模枪击案时 待在医院最明智了It's also the best place to be in the event of a mass shooting,只要外科医生没死光光就行unless the gunman kills all the surgeons.关键是 我在医院无忧无虑The point is, I had zero anxiety.

我昨晚写信时and as I sat down last night to write it,忍不住回想你出生那天的场景I couldn't stop thinking about the day you were born.我第一次将你抱入臂弯Holding you in my arms for the first time,怜爱地看着你looking down at you,看着你可爱动人的小脸your sweet, beautiful face...我这辈子从未如此充满爱意 欢欣愉悦I had never felt so much love and joy in my entire life.于是我想到...And I thought that...若是那一刻 有人能提醒我该多好what if in that moment I heard a voice,通晓万物的人生旁白对我低语some omniscient narrator who said,"接下来将会如此""Here's what's going to happen."你的女儿将会风趣幽默 聪明伶俐 开朗大方""Your daughter is gonna be funny, and smart, and outgoing,"她的灵气从小便会显现"You'll see it instantly, from a young age.""她将会魅力四射 广交朋友""She'll be charismatic and make friends easily.""她将会温柔善良 心思细腻""She'll be kind and sensitive."细腻到敏感""Maybe too sensitive."她不会是个乖乖女""She won't be an easy child."她会很叛逆"She'll struggle.""因此 你将很难看懂她""And in turn, you'll struggle to understand her.""你将跟不上她的思维""To understand what's going on inside of her head."无法理解那些难以摆脱的梦魇""The night terrors that can't be interrupted."很多时候 晚饭后""The times after dinner where"她会坐在餐桌旁""She'll just sit at the kitchen table"一遍遍数着天花板砖的数量and count the tiles over and over,"数到自己上气不接下气""Until she hyperventilates."你会用尽全力拥她入怀 安慰她""To fight to hold her in your arms, to tell her it's okay.""你们将难以平静 她会摔打东西 大吼大叫""To calm down. The kicking. The screaming."她会害怕受伤""The anxiety of being harmed."她会日夜煎熬""The transitions from day to night,"从家中到学校 每顿饭皆是如此""From home to school, from meal to meal."她会担心失去父母和妹妹"Of losing her mother or father or little sister.""她害怕会孤苦伶仃"- "Of being alone."我很喜欢她I really like her."她会恐慌发作 情绪波动 迷惑不解 精神分裂""The panic attacks, mood swings, confusion, disorganization"她会愤怒狂躁""And all that rage."不仅生你的气 也会恼恨自己""Not just at you, but at herself."最煎熬的是...""And the tough part i"她无法自救 而你也将束手无策""you'll feel as helpless to help her as she does herself.""你将犯下大大小小的错误""You'll make mistakes. Small ones and big ones."你会慌忙求助 病急乱投医""You'll look for help from people who aren't helpful."你求助之人或许根本不了解情况""Or who don't actually understand what's happening.""内疚感将因此伴你终生""And the guilt will never leave you.""但若你保持镇定 温柔耐心""But if you remain calm and patient,"若你能仔细聆听""If you listen closely,"你便能渐渐理解她""理解她为何重复地数了一遍又一遍""The counting, the repetition,"理解她对于对称的执着""the need for symmetry."若你睡前亲吻了她的左脸""That if you kiss her left cheek before bed,"一定也要亲吻她的右脸""You have to kiss her right cheek."还有额头 下巴""And her forehead. Then her chin."因为这样才平衡稳定""That it's about balance, stability."这样她才能疏导情绪 捋顺思绪""The need to organize her feelings and thoughts, so..."这样她才能平静下来"she can breathe easier.""你将得到片刻的喘息""And there will be moments of relief,"你们俩都能松一口气""In her and in you."这些时刻平静安宁 顺心满足""Moments that feel so normal, and calm, and rewarding that..."你会希望平淡的幸福能够天长地久""You'll find yourself praying they last forever."可她还小""Even though she's only a child,"糟心事还在后面呢"And all the hard parts have yet to even come."16岁时""And at the age of 16,"她会吸毒过量""She'll overdose,"昏迷四天""Spend four days in a coma,"生死未卜""And you won't know if she'll live or die."但等她醒来""But when she wakes up,"她会有机会戒毒""She'll be given the opportunity to get clean,"改过自新""To become a different person,"完善自己""A better person."但有一点你无能为力""Here's the toughest part."不论你怎么说 怎么做 怎么想""No matter what you say, or do, or wish,"决定权都在她手中""The decision will be all hers."你只能心怀希望""And all you can do is hope"希望她能给自己一个重新来过的机会"

凯特Kat.万一现在就是我们人生的高光时刻呢What if these are, like, the big moments in life?我妈总说Like, my mom always talks about高中是她人生的里程碑式高光时刻how high school was like this big, monumental part of her life.可她都半老徐娘了 居然还对高中念念不忘But I cannot imagine being 40 and looking back at this, like, "Wow."因为多数人在高中达到了人生巅峰Yeah, but that's because most people peak in high school.我肯定还没达到巅峰...I definitely haven't peaked, so...我感觉自己还没长大呢I feel like I'm not even a person yet.我也就攀登到巅峰的四分之一吧Yeah, I'm definitely at, like, 25 percent peakness.我好像达到巅峰了I feel like I'm at a hundred.但我还能升得更高But I can definitely get to 150.讲真 我都没想到自己能撑到现在Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far.什么意思What do you mean?我总是提心吊胆 惶惶不安I don't know. I just always had, like, this overwhelming anxiety我总觉得一定会出事that something bad would happen.说实话 去年夏天In all fairness, last summer,我有三周一直以为你死了there were, like, three weeks where I thought you were dead.

我想我打出这个标题之后就肯定会遭到粉丝攻击，告诉我“你说不配有个屁用，官方就是说她配，莱娅和卢克都说她配！”

但是我还是要说，她不配，JJ不配，迪士尼不配。天行者的故事开端在安纳金 天行者，那段塔图因的悲凉命运。

安纳金从出生的那一刻开始就没有过选择，他是没有父亲的奴隶，被欺压的怪胎，却还想着给母亲做一个机器人让她减轻负担，他遇见奎刚，后者带他离开，想要的其实不过是他身背的天赋，还有那个他从没要求过的命运。天选之人，原力之子，平衡黑暗和光明的力量，他也确实天赋秉异，他是克隆人战争中最年轻的无畏将军，是整个科洛桑的海报男孩，未来之星。

他遇见了一生所爱，十九岁的男孩开始傻兮兮的陷入爱情，他很快即将拥有一个小小的家庭，她给他带来了一双儿女。

然后噩梦到来，原力之子的预言告诉他悲惨的未来，他无法接受，而绝地里庸俗陈旧的信条也让他不断质疑自己，绝地不信任他，他们只想要他完成所谓的平衡原力的狗屁预言而已。

他怕什么，他只怕失去帕德梅，他年少时候的天使，他成人后的日出，绝地不应有牵绊，他们告诉他，牵绊让你软弱，让你有所恐惧。

但他的老师傅知道他的牵绊，他恐惧的，他热爱的，他替他隐瞒和帕德梅的相爱，直到他最后被绝地逼离所谓的正义。正义不能救我的挚爱，原力不能救我的孩子，你们只会让我放下，让我放弃，让我不能拥有哪怕一点点自己的爱和情。

老师傅说你不能有牵绊，他说这话的时候皱着眉头，声音很轻。于是他终于意识到所有人还是没有一个真正理解他想要的一切，他们只是想让他做一切他们想要的而已，绝地如此，西斯也没什么不同。但西斯能够拯救他所爱，那么一切代价他在所不惜。

最终他被所有人的期待和不信任推向了另一边，他失去自己的妻子，失去自己的儿女，在穆斯塔法的岩浆里被老师傅砍下手脚，独自在岩浆里烫成废人。

“我恨你！”他大喊，眼睛是融化的金色，老师傅转头看着他，他们彼此相处了十三年，然后他轻声说“我爱过你。”

那就是一切了，没人相信他，没人真的理解他，没人真的试着赤诚地接受他，绝地把他当作应当驯服的野狗，西斯把他当作占领世界的工具，他的老师傅说爱过他，他的妻子死在自己手里，他无畏一切只想得到所爱，结果最后失去所有。

直到他的孩子重新走进他的世界，金色头发蓝色眼睛，善良得像个天使，接受他的一切过错和伤疤，赤诚地张开双臂接受他让他回来。只有卢克接受他的一切，他做过的事，伤害过的人，卢克知道那是他父亲的一部分，那么他就全盘接受，不去试图改变任何一点。

而那就是安纳金需要的一切。

然后他赎罪，从皇帝手中救下自己的孩子，杀死了皇帝，终于实现他从出生以来被告知要完成的命运：平衡原力的黑暗与光明。然后他闭上眼睛，终于等到同样死在他手下的老师傅前来带着他成为英灵。

卢克 天行者，永远善良的天使，永远乐观的农场男孩，因为对一个小机器人里女孩的全息投影一见钟情就踏上一段拯救家人的旅程，从不放弃信念，从来相信他人的善意，原力的新希望，拯救父亲的新希望。

然后现在这部电影告诉我安纳金的死亡毫无意义，因为他从来就没有完成原力的平衡，他一生，那个毫无选择被一个狗屁预言拖着走的一生变成个笑话，因为Rey和开罗人才是原力的二元，他们才拥有打败PPT的力量，而你呢，安纳金天行者，原力的孩子，天选之人，不过是个笑话。还有你，卢克天行者，你也是个笑话，因为你会对你的亲侄儿举起光剑只因为你觉得他堕入了黑暗面。

走天的一切都只是个笑话，他们没有完成一切，前六部那些悲剧的故事奋斗的一切都是未完成的屁话，只有你，Rey，才能完成这一切，而每一个天行者，死去的天行者甚至还要为你加油鼓掌，最后微笑着把他们的名字留给你，仇敌的孙女。

天啊，她多么无辜，她不想成为PPT的孙女！是啊，她何其无辜，但天行者这个名字呢？口口声声说着要让过去消亡，说着要让这个故事脱离天行者的标签，说着天行者之前的一切到底有多么是个屁话，却让她冠上了这个姓。我在那一刻笑出了声，有人意识到这其中的讽刺了吗？

别了，蕾伊，别叫这个名字了，这个名字后头的悲剧是一个家庭前赴后继的死亡和抗争，也是一个被后传变成了笑话的姓。天行者在莱娅倒下的那一刻就已经断子绝孙，我不承认凯洛伦，他甚至不配父母为他取的Ben Solo，欧比旺的名字，你看不上，就别拿走。

停在这里，别继续了，天行者早就不存在了。

Edit：

Ben Solo you little piece of shit just fucking grow up.

Imagine a dear papa forgives you then you expect us to just live with the fact that you killed Han Solo and practically cause the death of Leia???????

Fuck no I won’t live with it

Another edit:

有本事拿光剑没本事学剑法吗？蕾伊你那到底是几式剑法？迪士尼的狗逼编剧吃书也太他妈恶心了吧？光剑打架不求你弄清楚几式剑法怎么打，好歹他妈别全靠莽吧？？？？？？？？！！！！Anotherrrrrr edit：

本文全程言辞激烈，生动反映了作者也不是什么素质高性格好的人，好好讨论我热烈欢迎，就算你不赞同我也没问题！但是评论区说话难听阴阳怪气被我骂了可别哭唧唧说我网暴你：）

厨子艾米这对茶男茶女可真是要气死我了也怪我看剧总代入生活生活里可千万别让我碰到这样藕断丝连的男人和我恋爱啊真发生在我身上绝对一口老血吐出来不知道Camille如何一个大转弯猛甩头说原谅就原谅他俩了无论是站在黑人帅小哥还是Camille的角度都难以令人冷静好吧虽说我上一部电影还在信誓旦旦：不能用道德评论文艺作品但！这两个典型人物生活里遇见绝对要绕着走啊！～～～我可不想被卷进这堆乱麻里啊！～～～只有黑人小哥跟我是一样的坦坦荡荡该爱就爱该问就问可惜。可惜他遇到的是他俩。

anyway.至少令人欣慰的还有职场里的两位女强人两个身经百战的女战士没有刻意强调女强人应是什么样的脸谱但她俩的举手投足都让我忍不住放大眼睛企图学习诚然她俩没一个绝对的好人但那种杀伐果断 笑里藏刀 一针见血 你来我往 软硬兼施 彼此彼此的过招之间就是让我感受到女人的力量

sylve 是慵懒的猞猁 高冷犀利，做事四两拨千斤，魅力是老娘的武器，你快耗子尾汁。

麦姊是笑面虎，怀孕不减战斗力反而更显其强大（庞大），雷霆手段谈笑之间翻脸不认人，浑身的力量感都在说：急眼了老娘一巴掌给你扇晕。

职场上我不喜欢这两种人，但，希望成为强大的她们。