我妈终于看完了，太精彩了，异次元家庭，保姆版权游，土味黑暗中的舞者，9102年版渴望，台词复读机，整个剧的人物随时马景涛上身，悲情BGM随时莫名响起，正能量一气化三清，令人荡气回肠，整个宏大的剧情主线在一名保姆在著名作家家中打工顺便打字的背景下徐徐展开，扣人心弦丝丝入扣，拳打漫威编剧，脚踢毒枭剧组，一场恢宏大气的神经病家庭神剧就此展现在世人面前，无法用语言来形容…这是第一部我看了之后希望能够

演的个屁啊，乱加毫无演技的煞笔，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，，

2018.12.7十分有幸在成都站观看了这部电影。这是一部内核关于悲伤的电影。我是一个喜欢第一视觉的人，起初吸引我的便是这部电影的颜色，海报的整体传达，让我对此产生了兴趣。

而当中所有的故事情节发展虽然并没有太多的波澜壮阔，也只是简单的相遇，在一起，分开，心碎。故事节奏线大多都保持着一致。我觉得他首先胜在了色彩，以及对于身体的开放程度。这是第一次在这样聚众环境下，共同观看一部同志

人家上京赶考前跟女主许了终生，为的就是他日飞黄腾达不抛弃，给女主心安。二人真心相爱拜过天地入了洞房，随即男主就开开心心上京去了，此时他还不知道，正是这份深情为他日后的悲剧，日日夜夜加固一道道锁链。

然后他就像西游记里让妖怪掳走的公主一样，被按头结婚了，入赘之耻，极力反抗无果，他没隐瞒已婚，看重才华的相爷让他写休书。婚后不能回

人家上京赶考前跟女主许了终生，为的就是他日飞黄腾达不抛弃，给女主心安。二人真心相爱拜过天地入了洞房，随即男主就开开心心上京去了，此时他还不知道，正是这份深情为他日后的悲剧，日日夜夜加固一道道锁链。

然后他就像西游记里让妖怪掳走的公主一样，被按头结婚了，入赘之耻，极力反抗无果，他没隐瞒已婚，看重才华的相爷让他写休书。婚后不能回家，又不能说爱女主，思念过甚画了幅画，还被小姐罚跪 (看大婚眼神，小姐也知对方有爱人)，于是他只能谎称已无感情，拿女主当妹妹。

有人说剧本根本不成立，富家女不可能看上穷人，家里也不会答应，这要问三星小姐李富真，她为何下嫁贫民保镖？张孝纯、冯京、赌王、迟重瑞，从古至今凭借美貌/才华，通过婚姻跃阶层的事，少吗？况且把男主捡回去，他的经历自然是要说明的，我们不知道相爷是否给他平反，可他最终还是做了官为相府效力，不是吗？

一个背景纯粹，以相府利益为使命，在朝中游说的倒插门，退下朝服，他在相府生活中没有话语权，相府日常他也不想“深入”(包括小姐身子），仆人说自己是二人之下，万人之上，化身鹰犬监视他，时刻敲打，可想而知男主绝不是村民和女主想象中过的如鱼得水……

他虚与委蛇，拖了7年，然而小姐也不傻，要他回去杀女主安己心。他好不容易回家，从未想过杀人，听到女主死讯，心痛的要昏过去。夜晚看到女主，他眼中失而复得的惊喜。第二天看村民躲闪态度，他在祠堂中决心复仇，道士做法他踢掉旗杆，广场混战他毫不犹豫为女主挡箭，女主轻易治好重伤的他，他察觉女主化妖，却说再也不会放手。树林混战他第一时间去救女主，二人逃去天涯海角。

他哪里错了？甚至他此时都不知道女主为他付出了什么，他这么做全凭着7年前积累的深厚爱意和7年间日夜思念。

男主开头说他没忘记回家的路、中间说他根本没得选、最后得知女主遭遇，他震惊心疼，说他万死莫辞。

其他聊斋里，妻子贤惠异常，为村子布施恩泽，还被怀疑是妖怪，从而惊惧妻子的书生，跟他有法子比？

没有负心却被人骂渣男，比窦娥还冤。

这就相当于你被掳到大山里，土匪为了让你安心呆着，还随时在考虑要不要杀掉你父母，你只能用计跟对方周旋，假意说你不想家，实际内心每天都在流泪。更更惨的是，这是相府不是大山，每个人包括女主和观众都在脑补，男主应该很幸福……这，简直六月飞雪。

绝望的藏头诗，下笔之人内心是何滋味

【详细】

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家里两个毛孩子都是捡来的，所以完全不敢想象，他们在外面的时候万一被烂片剧组捡去做道具打死。

剧组真的别洗了。用绳子牵引猫？田园猫可以被扯成这样不去咬绳子？百万年薪请的动物训练师？

可食用血浆？这么牛逼哦买的猫用可食用血浆？我家猫喂一点点药，有一点点奇怪的味道都不

家里两个毛孩子都是捡来的，所以完全不敢想象，他们在外面的时候万一被烂片剧组捡去做道具打死。

剧组真的别洗了。用绳子牵引猫？田园猫可以被扯成这样不去咬绳子？百万年薪请的动物训练师？

可食用血浆？这么牛逼哦买的猫用可食用血浆？我家猫喂一点点药，有一点点奇怪的味道都不肯吃，不要用你那个五毛特效做出来的舔血浆视频骗人了。

已经在广电举报了，气得我这几天脑袋嗡嗡的。

还有一些小学逻辑没学好的剧粉，拿猪牛羊说事，本质上就是觉得动物=畜生，他们的思维还没有从原始人进化到文明社会，没有办法区分虐待动物和正常吃饭的需求，一般这种人：男的+仇女+粉红+封建迷信。一抓一个准。

一群恶毒的骗子！下地狱！

想靠这个剧发财的所有人，都会永远背着这黑历史！

更新一个奇葩，满口同胞，满嘴贱货。

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Google上搜索Furious 7，目前最热的一个词条是：Did the ending make you cry？＂Yes. It did＂我会发自内心的这样说。速度与激情。至今为止一共七部了。之前给我印象最深的是第五部，相对而言，在同类型电影中它是比较新颖的一部，节奏快、场面大、一气呵成，剧情清晰明朗，逻辑不自相矛盾。对于商业片，尤其是以＂车+动作＂为载体的商业片，需要这样的干脆直接。本

看完这部剧场版我很愤怒。

制作也就算个加长TV版，不配剧场版三个字。

剧情大乱炖，特别开头那位小姐姐穿的紧身衣，我以为是有伏笔，结果到最后发现这段完全可有可无，它存在的价值应该只是留给人想象小姐姐换衣服的场面的空间吧。

卖情怀就不说了，反正卖了12年了……

那宇宙人完全是隔壁东宝假面战队风好吧！万代很开心，可以生产多少种奥特曼玩具是个排列组合问

周星星同学，永不过时的经典，重温多少遍都能带给你源源不断的欢乐和惊喜，各种天马行空的天才桥段，嚼避孕套吹泡、扔水果猜选择题、丢黑板擦、“我还没上车”、借打火机、夺命剪刀脚、善良的枪…星爷的无厘头，各种化腐朽为神奇，确实天才！重温经典也是为了洗洗刚看了狗屎般《新逃学威龙》的眼睛，星爷立的是一座丰碑，你可以致敬，但不可模仿，任何的抄袭都显得那么矫揉造作，都是东施效颦的当代版。影片首

周星星同学，永不过时的经典，重温多少遍都能带给你源源不断的欢乐和惊喜，各种天马行空的天才桥段，嚼避孕套吹泡、扔水果猜选择题、丢黑板擦、“我还没上车”、借打火机、夺命剪刀脚、善良的枪…星爷的无厘头，各种化腐朽为神奇，确实天才！重温经典也是为了洗洗刚看了狗屎般《新逃学威龙》的眼睛，星爷立的是一座丰碑，你可以致敬，但不可模仿，任何的抄袭都显得那么矫揉造作，都是东施效颦的当代版。影片首创校园+警匪的喜剧结构搭配周星驰的华彩表演，原创性及惊喜度爆棚，这就是品牌的力量，一时间引得跟风无数。周星驰在电影里致敬李小龙的几个飞腿的动作也是帅气无比，忘了再强调一下，星爷绝对是喜剧演员里最帅的，没有之一。而周星驰+张敏+吴孟达的金三角承载了多少青春的记忆，尤其结尾张敏白衬衣搭牛仔裤的魅惑一笑足够惊艳时光，在我眼里绝对是更胜倚天屠龙里赵敏回眸的存在，难忘经典！

【详细】

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一个医疗剧没有那种惯有千钧一发紧急救援的紧张，医疗专业性的东西也没有太多，而是直白简单，暖暖的，平平淡淡却又感动着人，感觉生活还有希望。生活有时真的需要换换角度，多视角看看或者直接一点或许有不同的收获。看日剧习惯开弹幕，节奏比较紧经常会漏掉一些东西，但真的很多弹幕不是很友善，好多在拉踩还有吐槽自闭症，好好一个治愈系的电视剧刺来刺去的这样真是不懂

整体叙事节奏还可以，细节差评。女主作死.......召唤出鬼，Chuck不能去医院的Red Room，还偏要、坚持拉人家去医院Red Room附近，路人一定要看着鬼从碎片组装成整体，搁那等死......佛了....有几个片段人物真的掉智商，个人觉得好的恐怖片不应该靠着掉智商、作死推动的......但几个故事都挺有意思的......真的除了男主女主其他全死，主角光环

回想起来都是老套的情节，中学生言情读物里经常流窜的情节，细细看来却也十分感动。总觉得戏里的台词写的犀利又微妙。开场蛇精脸的阿娘十分不引人，觉得要么故作妖娆要么另有隐谋。可是，饭桌前小孟婆不肯吃饭，气急了的阿娘数落女儿生的蠢笨又丑陋，要是再不吃饭个还长不高…可愁死了…可一转念又心生爱怜，“阿娘知道你爱吃煮的稀烂的手指头，待阿娘给你寻来…”真真实实一个娘亲的模样。谁要是在背后再说你的不是，阿娘把

可能前面太多优秀作品了，突然看到这部电影有点接受不了，剧情上男主智商不高，能力也不高，虽然有元彪元华秦祥林，但质量是真的不行，男主第一次打电话求助，来人叫他名字还戴着头盔，一看就不是好人啊，他还问人家是谁，大写的无语，事后还没反应过来，还给幕后主使打电话。总之每次打电话准得死人，男主亲人都死光了，结局还大发慈悲犹豫不决，真的是！而且动作上也没看点

这是我在追完陈芊芊之后的第二部网剧了，真的给我带来不一样的观看体验，原本是奔着剧中女二欣欣子来的，没想到看了十几集也没出来，但是剧情混合了爆笑，甜恋，相比一厢情愿的暗恋（欣欣子饰演的jio色喜欢男主），我更喜欢双向的奔赴了，古灵精怪苏小晚和冰块脸顾言希真的超配的，CP感十足，就这这部剧我下饭了五天，哈哈哈

这是我在追完陈芊芊之后的第二部网剧了，真的给我带来不一样的观看体验，原本是奔着剧中女二欣欣子来的，没想到看了十几集也没出来，但是剧情混合了爆笑，甜恋，相比一厢情愿的暗恋（欣欣子饰演的jio色喜欢男主），我更喜欢双向的奔赴了，古灵精怪苏小晚和冰块脸顾言希真的超配的，CP感十足，就这这部剧我下饭了五天，哈哈哈

【详细】

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两星观望。

除了片头曲和男主演技，其他都令人失望。

前4集看下来，剧组显得贫穷且没诚意。

一是服化道：大背头，真的不适合所有演员??另外，点名批评左紫辰的遮眼布，长一点会怎样？短短的布勒在大大的脑袋上，清雅贵公子？

两星观望。

除了片头曲和男主演技，其他都令人失望。

前4集看下来，剧组显得贫穷且没诚意。

一是服化道：大背头，真的不适合所有演员??另外，点名批评左紫辰的遮眼布，长一点会怎样？短短的布勒在大大的脑袋上，清雅贵公子？

【详细】

12410311

So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an

So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one.

Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”

But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? [inhales] And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.

[people murmuring]

[clears throat]

Anyway, I’m sorry, that’s not part of the… [clears throat] All right. Okay, here we go. Let’s do this. Here I am, BoJack Horseman, doing a eulogy, let’s go. Hey, piano man, can I get a, like an organ flourish? [organ plays] Nicely done. You know, I was a little worried I wouldn’t have the right accompaniment today. I guess it’s a good thing my mom was an organ donor! [rimshot plays] What happened to the organ? [horn ‘oogahs’] Okay, why just leave the comedy to the professionals? Okay? This is a funeral, sir, for my mother. Can you show a little respect? [trumpet whines] I’ll take it.

Beatrice Horseman, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was a horse. Uh, she was born in 1938. She died in 2018. One time, she went to a parade, and one time, she smoked an entire cigarette in one long inhale. I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable woman.

[rustling]

Lived a full life, that lady. Just, all the way to the end, which is, uh, now I guess. Really makes you think, though, huh? Life, right? Goes by, stuff happens. Then you die. Okay, well that’s my time, you’ve been great! Tip your waitress! No, I’m just kidding around, there’s no waitress. But seriously, that’s all I have to say about my mother. No point beating a dead horse, right? So…

[inhales] Now what? I don’t know. Mom, you got any ideas? Anything? Mom? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once if you’re proud of me.

Can I just say how amazing it is to be in a room with my mother, and I can just talk and talk without her telling me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey, Mom, knock once if you think I should shut up. No? You sure? I mean, I don’t want to embarrass you by making this eulogy into a me-logy, so, seriously, if you wanted me to sit down and let someone else talk, just knock. I will not be offended. No? Your funeral.

Sorry about the closed casket, by the way. She wanted an open casket, but uh, you know, she’s dead now, so who cares what she wanted? No, that sounds bad. I’m sorry. I-I think that if she could’ve seen what she looked like dead, she’d agree it’s better this way. She looked like this.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

Kinda like a pissed-off toy dinosaur. The coroner couldn’t get her eyes closed, so now her face is forever frozen in a mask of tremendous horror and anguish. Or as my mom called it, Tuesday! Tuesday! My mom called it Tuesday.

[woman coughs]

Hey, Mom, what did you think of that joke? You like that? You never did care for my comedy.

[clears throat]

Here’s a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket. But when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and I told my mother, and she said, “Let that be a lesson. That’s the good that comes from wanting things.” She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault.

But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket. Even though she didn’t know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me.

Now that’s a good story about my mother. It’s not true, but it’s a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of Maude I saw when I was a kid, where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it, thinking, “That’s the kind of story I want to tell about my parents when they die.” But I don’t have any stories like that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that’s what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn’t enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can’t just screw everything up and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so… hard.

When you’re a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough, that even though your parents aren’t what you need them to be over and over and over again, at any moment, they might surprise you with something… wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down, she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting.

Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your life a little bit brighter.

[owl chirping]

My mother did not go gentle into that good night. She went clawing and fighting and thrashing, hence the face.

[groaning]

[mourners gasping]

If you’d seen her, I swear to God the only thing you’d be thinking about right now is that I am nailing this impression.

[woman clears her throat]

[chairs squeak]

I was in the hospital with her those last moments, and they were truly horrifying, full of nonsencial screams and cries, but there was this moment, this one instant of strange calm, where she looked in my direction and said, “I see you.” That’s the last thing she said to me. “I see you.” Not a statement of judgment or disappointment, just acceptance and the simple recognition of another person in a room. “Hello there. You are a person. And I see you.”

Let me tell you, it’s a weird thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the first time in your life your mother sees you. It’s an odd realization that that’s the thing you’ve been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn’t feel like a relief, to finally be seen. It feels mean, like, “Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me.” I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid and too tall to be an effective Lindy-hopper. How I was needy and a burden and an embarrassment—all that I was ready for. I was not ready for “I see you.” Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I’m giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn’t about connection. Maybe it was a… maybe it was an “I see you,” like, uh, “I see you.” Like, “You might have the rest of the world fooled, but I know exactly who you are.” That’s more my mom’s speed.

Or maybe she just literally meant “I see you. You are an object that has entered my field of vision.” She was pretty out of it at the end, so maybe it’s dumb to try to attribute it to anything.

[woman sighs]

Back in the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show called Horsin’ Around.

[man coughs]

Please hold your applause. And I remember one time, a fan asked me, “Hey, um, you know that episode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dance because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? In all the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup’s missing. Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?” And I didn’t have the heart to be, like, “No, man, some crew guy just left their coffee cup in the shot.” So instead, I was, like… “Yeah.”

And maybe this is like that coffee cup. Maybe we’re dumb to try to pin significance onto every little thing. Maybe when someone says, “I see you,” it just means, “I see you.” Then again, it’s possible she wasn’t even talking to me because, if I’m being honest, she wasn’t really looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I want to think she was talking to me, but, honestly, she was so far gone at that point, who knows what she was seeing? Who were you talking to, Mom? [sighs] Not saying, huh? Staying mum? No rimshot there? God, whatever I’m paying you, it’s too much.

Maybe she saw my dad. My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, “Wait, did you say he died in a duel?” and “Who dies in a duel?” The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn’t get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn’t understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn’t like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He’d even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed: ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he’d actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.

[murmur]

I wish I’d known to go to Jack in the Box then. Maybe I could have gotten a free churro. It would’ve been nice to have something to show for being the son of Butterscotch Horseman. My darling mother gave the eulogy. My entire life I never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said, “My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.”

“My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.” I don’t know why she said that. Maybe she felt like that’s the kind of thing you’re supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped one day someone would say that about her. “My mother is dead, and everything is worse now.” Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her inheritance, and replaced it with crippling debt, which is a pretty shitty thing to leave your widow with. “Bad news, you lost a husband, but don’t worry, you also lost the house!” Maybe Mom knew she’d have to sell all her fancy jewelry and move into a home. Maybe that’s what she meant by “everything is worse now.” Is that what you meant, Mom?

I gotta say, I’m really carrying this double act. At least with Penn and Teller, the quiet one does card tricks. Hey, piano man, when I say something funny to my mom, how about you give me one of those rimshots?

[rimshot plays]

Yeah, but not now. When I say something funny. Like, okay. What’s the difference between my mother and a disruptive expulsion of germs? One’s a coughin’ fit and the other fits a coffin! That’s an example of a funny thing.

[rimshot plays]

Thank you. Let’s try again. Hey, Mom. What’s the difference between my mother and a bunch of Easter eggs? One gets carried in a basket, the other gets buried in a casket!

[rimshot plays]

Ready for one more? Last one. What’s the difference between a first-year lit major and my mother, Beatrice Horseman? One is decently read, and the other’s a huge bitch!

[woman gasps]

[murmurs]

Yeah, might have gone a little too far with that one. That one might’ve been a little too “my mom’s a huge bitch” for the room. I’m sorry, Mother. You’re not a huge bitch. You were a huge bitch… and now you’re dead.

[woman sighs]

You know, the first time I ever performed in front of an audience, it actually was, uh, with my mom. She used to put on these shows with her supper club in the living room and she used to make… [inhales] She used to make me sing “The Lollipop Song.”

[organ playing tune]

Those parties, they were really something. There were skits and magic acts, and ethnically insensitive vaudeville routines, and the big finale was always a dance my mother did. She had this beautiful dress that she only brought out for these parties, and she did this incredible number. It was so beautiful and sad. Dad hated the parties. He’d lock himself in the study, and bang on the walls for us to keep it down, but he always came out to see Mom dance. He’d linger in the doorway, scotch in hand, and watch in awe, as this cynical, despicable woman he married… took flight. And as a child who was completely terrified of both my parents, I was always aware that this moment of grace, it meant something. We understood each other in a way. Me and my mom and my dad, as screwed up as we all were, we did understand each other. My mother, she knew what it’s like to feel your entire life like you’re drowning, with the exception of these moments, these very rare, brief instances, in which you suddenly remember… you can swim.

[flashback]

[partygoers laughing]

[classical music playing]

But then again, mostly not. Mostly you’re drowning. She understood that, too. And she recognized that I understood it. And Dad. All three of us were drowning, and we didn’t know how to save each other, but there was an understanding that we were all drowning together. And I would like to think that that’s what she meant when we were in the hospital and she said, “I see you.”

You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you’re next. I mean, you know, obviously it’s not like there’s a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.

I actually had a near-death experience recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I’m an actor, I do my own stunts. I’m on this new show Philbert. I’m Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn’t come out yet, but it’s already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz… [inhales] I’m supposed to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up ‘cause of the shooting schedule, I don’t even know what morning means anymore. There’s a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who’s been to so many funerals, he doesn’t even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves. [gulps]

Anyway, you know what I thought, when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? “Won’t they be sorry.” Cool thought, brain.

[rimshot plays]

No, that wasn’t… would you just… dial it back, all right?

I don’t even know what “they” I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I was. And of course, my dad’s dead. The last conversation I ever had with him was about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy. Maybe he thought it would vindicate him for all the shitty things he ever did in his stupid worthless life. Maybe it did, I don’t know. I never read it, because why would I give him that?

I used to be on this TV show called Horsin’ Around. Seriously, though, hold your applause.

[man coughs]

Well held. It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz, who’s also dead now, and it starred this little girl named Sarah Lynn. And it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note, “Maybe don’t mention they’re orphans so much, because audiences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable.” But I never thought that the orphans were sad. I-I always thought they were lucky, because they could imagine their parents to be anything they wanted. They had something to long for.

Anyway, we did this one season finale, where Olivia’s birth mother comes to town. And she was a junkie, but she’s gotten herself cleaned up, and she wants to be in Olivia’s life again. And of course, she’s like a perfect grown-up version of Olivia, and they go to the mall together and get her ears pierced like she’s always wanted and—sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of Horsin’ Around, if you’re still working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warn her, “Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down.” But Olivia just thinks the horse is jealous, and when the mom says she’s moving to California, Olivia decides to go with her. And the network really juiced the cliffhanger: “Is Olivia gone for good?” But of course, because it’s a TV show, she was not gone for good. Of course, because it’s a TV show, Olivia’s mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab, so Olivia had to hitchhike all the way home, getting rides from Mr. T, Alf, and the cast of Stomp. Of course, that’s what happened. Because, what are you gonna do, just not have Olivia on the show? You can’t have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because, if everyone’s happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show… has to keep going. There’s always more show. And you can call Horsin’ Around dumb, or bad, or unrealistic, but there is nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending, ‘cause there’s always more show.

I guess until there isn’t.

[chuckles]

My mom would hate it if she knew that I spent so much time at her funeral talking about my old TV show. Or maybe she’d think it was funny that her idiot son couldn’t even do this right. Who knows? She left no instructions for what she wanted me to say. All I know is she wanted an open casket, and her idiot son couldn’t even do that right. I’m not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that woman, even though so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me, and… “I-C-U.”

“I… see… you.” Jesus Christ, we were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign. My mom died and all I got was this free churro.

You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack in the Box didn’t even know me. I’m your son! All I had was you! [inhales]

I have this friend. And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later, she told me that she didn’t understand why she was still upset, because she never even liked her father. It made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died. And I’m going through the same thing now. You know what it’s like? It’s like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just—it couldn’t put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that’s what losing a parent is like. It’s like Becker.

Suddenly, you realize you’ll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you’d never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn’t even realize it until that chance went away.

My mother is dead, and everything is worse now, because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, “BoJack Horseman, I see you.” But I guess it’s good to know. It’s good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it’s good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now and it’s good. It’s good that I know that. So… it’s good my mother is dead.

[gulps, sighs]

Well. No point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea… what she wanted. Unless she just wanted what we all want… to be seen.

Is this Funeral Parlor B?

—— from Reddit